I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
