just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
