I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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