dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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