lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
