My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize