i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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