im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
