Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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