she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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