To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i think my cat just said my name.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
