I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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