I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize