i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
