dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize