why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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