the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
