Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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