Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
