and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
