I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
