upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize