i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
