i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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