I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
