They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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