OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
