im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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