watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
