Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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