dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
