3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you had me at cake vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
