If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
