I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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