my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
whose parrot is this?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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