I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize