You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
