I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize