WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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