Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
