we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
