I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
