well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
