You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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