i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
