i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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