Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
