so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
