I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize