he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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