Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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