You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
