I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
