Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So apparently I’m into choking now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
