Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
