I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
