just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
