Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
